Is Your Relationship Ready?

How do my partner and I know if we're emotionally ready to have a baby?
You're emotionally ready to have a baby if you're having it for the right reasons, with the right person, at the right time, and go into it with realistic expectations of yourself, each other, and your relationship.

The emotional demands of parenthood on each partner are enormous. Each must be prepared to commit to communicating and connecting to a new baby at all times and be able to accept the constant demands of a baby.

How much stress does a pregnancy put on a relationship? How will our life as a couple change when we get pregnant?
Changes that come with pregnancy will, to some degree, cause stress in any relationship, no matter how strong it is. Pregnancy is a major life-altering event with important physical, emotional, and financial effects that you need to deal with in advance.

Working together will make pregnancy preparation and the changes you will need to make in the future easier, and help you forge a strong, healthy family. You and your partner must be ready, willing, and able to withstand a range of degrees of stress. Your levels of stress may intensify, diminish, and vary constantly; it may be difficult to predict.

What kind of stress should we expect?
You must expect and be ready to endure feelings of stress, frustration, incompetence, vulnerability, and responsibility. You must be ready to act with total selflessness because that's what a new baby will require.

A key change is that you and your partner need to expect and be ready for interruptions of intimacy, obstacles to spontaneity, and limitations on your availability for each other.

Finally, relationship experts tell us that, ideally, any unresolved issues in the relationship should be worked out before pregnancy.

What should my partner and I talk about before getting pregnant?
Sit down with your partner and ask yourselves the questions below. There are no right or wrong answers; whatever your answers, they will increase your awareness of your readiness for parenthood.

• Why do you want a baby?
• Family pressure?
• You're afraid your "biological clock is ticking"?
• Peer pressure?
• You think society demands it of you?
• How strong is your relationship?
• Do you trust, respect, and love your partner?
• Do you share responsibilities?
• Are you ready to deal with the major changes a baby will bring…
• In your relationship?
• In your social life?
• In your finances?
• In your living situation?
• Do you share religious, moral, and ethical values?
• Do you like children?
• Did you enjoy your own childhood?
• If you were left alone, could you cope?
• Do you have a wide support network?

This will be a very important and powerful conversation. It may take some time and some soul-searching. Be prepared to have it once or twice or even three times to make sure you get to all the issues or to revisit issues that need more time. Be prepared to have insights into yourself, your partner, and your relationship that may necessitate additional consideration and conversation. Consider couples counseling to help resolve issues that are important to you and your partner.

What other issues should we talk about before getting pregnant?
If there are existing problems in your relationship, discuss them openly and honestly now because they might escalate after you become pregnant. If you are unable to work them out, consult a professional, someone trained in family therapy.

This is especially true if there is physical (hitting, pushing, kicking) and emotional (yelling, scaring) abuse in your relationship. Abuse is never ok. Becoming pregnant will not stop abuse, and sometimes the abuser's violence escalates when his partner becomes pregnant. Physical abuse is a risk not only to you but also to your baby. It can injure your baby or lead to miscarriage or preterm birth. It is psychologically harmful for children to witness domestic violence. Also, child abuse is more common in families where a parent is violent. Get help right away. Go to our resources to find assistance.

Does my partner's lifestyle affect the pregnancy?
Yes, your partner's lifestyle can affect your pregnancy. Therefore, we recommend that you ask your partner to adopt the same healthy lifestyle as you. We know that's not always possible. However, if your partner can't or won't change a harmful behavior or lifestyle, you need to think about the implications of this for yourself, your relationship, your pregnancy, and your family.

We strongly recommend that before you try to get pregnant, you and your partner stop smoking, stop drinking alcohol, and stop recreational drug use. You should eat a healthy diet and avoid exposure to chemicals and pollutants that may harm you and your baby or in some way jeopardize or compromise a healthy pregnancy.

We also recommend paying serious attention to your work and home environment and that of the child's father. Studies have shown that a man's sperm can be affected by chemical exposure and that the effects on pregnancy are most likely to occur from exposures in the three months before conception. This is because sperm matures in the testes over a three month period. A father's exposure to chemicals, such as some pesticides, has been linked to miscarriage and premature babies.

Additionally, your partner's lifestyle can have an impact upon yours. For instance, the benefits of your decision to quit smoking can be compromised by the smoke from your partner's cigarette (sidestream and secondhand smoke). And, his drinking or smoking behavior can influence your behavior. Your partner has the opportunity to play a major role in helping you avoid alcohol use and smoking during pregnancy.

It is easier to make behavior changes when you work on them together. Working together this way can also help bring you closer and help you build a strong and healthy family unit.

Will we still be able to travel when I get pregnant?
A trip with your partner before your first pregnancy might be the last chance you and partner have to travel alone together for a long (long!) while. So, if you have any plans for a distant or foreign vacation, now – before you become pregnant - would be a good time to take that trip.

That said, there is no reason why you can't travel when you become pregnant; it largely depends on how you feel and how healthy you are. Long distance travel can be uncomfortable for some pregnant women.

Two important things you need to know are:

1. 1. Most airlines won't accept women who are over 35 weeks pregnant.
2. 2. Foreign travel can expose you to illnesses you might not encounter at home.

• If you need to get immunizations for a trip, be sure to tell your health care provider that you are trying to get pregnant.
• If you recently have taken a trip to a foreign country that has known health risks, ask your health care provider if you need to get a checkup and a clean bill of health before trying to conceive.

How can friends and family members help us prepare for pregnancy?
Friends and family members who have been pregnant can help you plan, tell you what you might expect, and ease many of your transitions through pregnancy and into parenthood.

If you don't already have a support network of friends, relatives, health care providers, health education professionals, clergy, etc., now is a good time to create and/or strengthen it.

Is Your Relationship Good for You? 

•  Everyone deserves to feel happy and safe in their relationships.
• Healthy relationships include six basic qualities — respect, honesty and trust, fairness and equality, and good communication.
• If a relationship has unhealthy qualities, you can work to make it better or choose to end the relationship.
• We can all learn ways to make our relationships healthier.
• We all want to be in healthy relationships. But sometimes it is hard to know if a relationship is healthy or unhealthy. Healthy relationships help us feel better about ourselves and about our place in the world. They make us feel happy and safe. Unhealthy relationships make us feel unhappy, insecure, or even unsafe.
• We can work to make all our relationships — with family members, friends, romantic partners, and others — as healthy as possible. And we can learn how to tell when a relationship is not healthy and how to improve it or end it. This article focuses on romantic and sexual relationships, but many of the ideas apply to other kinds of relationships.

What Makes a Relationship Healthy?
No relationship is perfect all of the time. In a healthy relationship, both people feel good about the relationship most of the time. Sometimes a relationship may need improvement. We can work within our relationships to make them better for us.  Healthy relationships have six basic qualities:

• respect
• honesty and trust
• fairness and equality
• good communication
• In an unhealthy relationship, some or all of these qualities may be missing. And because they are missing, the relationship may feel unfair or make us feel unhappy or unsafe.

How Do I Know if I Am in a Healthy Relationship?
It can be hard to know if a relationship is healthy. Many people feel unsure about how healthy their relationship is.

In a healthy relationship, people consider each other's needs and make compromises so they both feel happy. One of the best ways to decide if a relationship is healthy is to think about how your partner makes you feel most of the time.

• Does your partner make you feel safe and cared for most of the time? If so, your relationship is probably healthy.
• Does your partner make you feel sad, afraid, or bad about yourself most of the time? If so, your relationship may be unhealthy.

But no relationship is perfect. And sometimes even healthy relationships may have some unhealthy moments. Couples may be able to work together to create a healthier relationship. But, if unhealthy behaviors are a constant part of the relationship, it is likely that the relationship is unhealthy. And if you are in an unhealthy relationship, you might consider ending it.

RESPECT

A healthy relationship should be based on shared respect for each other. People who respect each other are proud of each other. They are accepting and like each other for who they really are. They also listen to and value each other's ideas and opinions.  Ask yourself whether you and your partner respect each other:

• Do you usually listen to each other's ideas and feelings?

• Do you treat each other as friends?
• Are you proud of each other?
• If you answered yes to these questions, there is probably respect in your relationship, and that's a good sign for you and the health of your relationship.

Without respect, relationships can be hurtful. Many of us think it takes a slap or a punch to hurt someone. But insults and unkind words hurt just as much. They can destroy our self-esteem — how we feel about ourselves. Does your partner ...

• make you feel ugly, stupid, or unsure of yourself?
• say you could never make it without him or her?
• call you crazy or stupid?
• ignore or make fun of your feelings or ideas?
• put down your race, family, culture, religion, income, or neighborhood?
• If you answered yes to some of these questions, you may feel that your partner doesn't have respect for you.

HONESTY AND TRUST
Honesty and trust are important parts of any healthy relationship. People build trust by being honest with one another. When we trust someone, we feel we have someone we can count on. We also feel safe sharing our thoughts and feelings with each other, which helps to bring us closer. In a healthy relationship, people can tell each other the truth even when it's difficult.

Lack of trust in a relationship can cause problems. It can lead to worry and jealousy. Jealousy is a normal feeling — everyone feels jealous, sometimes. But we all have a choice about how we act on our feelings. Some people can become very controlling when they let jealousy get out of hand. And controlling behavior can break the trust we have in one another. When we trust our partner, we are confident in the relationship, less likely to get jealous, and less likely to overreact to our jealous feelings.  Ask yourself whether you and your partner are honest and trust each other.

• Do you both tell the truth without fear?
• Do you both usually admit when you're wrong?
• Do you understand each other's needs for friends and family?
• Do you feel sure of each other's love?
• Do you have faith in each other's decisions?

If you answered yes to these questions, there is probably honesty and trust in your relationship, and that's a good sign for you and the health of your relationship.

Without honesty and trust, a relationship can cause unhappiness. Partners can doubt the other person's love or commitment. In healthy relationships, people build trust by talking, listening, being honest, respecting each other's feelings, and having fun together.  Does your partner ...

• lie to you to avoid taking responsibility?
• keep secrets?
• say things like, "You wouldn't need other friends if you really loved me"? or "You're having an affair, aren't you"?

If you answered yes to some of these questions, you may be wondering if you and your partner trust each other.

FAIRNESS AND EQUALITY
A healthy relationship is one in which partners treat each other fairly and as equals. No one person controls the relationship. Both people need to feel that their needs are important. Both people need to give and take in the relationship. Both partners should share equally in decision making and be willing to make compromises.

Disagreements happen in all relationships. And it is normal for partners to have different opinions and needs. When partners treat each other fairly, they acknowledge one another's opinions and try to satisfy one another's needs. In healthy relationships, when disagreements happen, people "fight fair." This means listening to another person's point of view and respecting it.  Ask yourself whether you and your partner treat each other fairly and as equals.

• • Do you both get to say what you really want?
• • Can you both usually expect to have your needs satisfied?
• • Do you give and take equally?
• • Do you usually make important decisions together?
• • Do you both compromise?

If you answered yes to these questions, there is probably fairness and equality in your relationship, and that's a good sign for you and the health of your relationship.

Without fairness and equality, relationships can be hurt by anger. No one is always right — or always wrong. And one partner should not always be in control. In healthy relationships, neither partner is "in charge." In healthy relationships, partners admit their mistakes and can expect fairness, forgiveness, and the ability to make decisions for themselves.  Does your partner ...

• always blame you when something goes wrong?
• try to make you feel guilty about mistakes?
• keep track of your time?
• make you ask permission to do what you want?
• ignore what you want or need?
• force you to do something you don't want to do?
• check up on you all the time at school, work, or home?
• make most of the decisions in your relationship?
• want to control the money?

If you answered yes to some of these questions, you may be wondering if the balance of power is fair and equal in your relationship.

GOOD COMMUNICATION
Good communication is important in any healthy relationship. Communication happens many ways in relationships — in person, on the phone, through e-mail or texts, and through body language, for example.

When people in a healthy relationship communicate with each other, they feel comfortable and safe sharing their thoughts and feelings. They also listen to the thoughts and feelings of the other person. If they are worried or upset, they know the other person will listen to and support them.  Ask yourself whether your relationship is based on good communication.

• o Do you usually feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other?
• o Do you usually listen to each other without interrupting or judging?
• o Do you solve problems and iron out disagreements together?

If you answered yes to these questions, there is probably good communication in your relationship, and that's a good sign for you and the health of your relationship. Without good communication, there are a lot of misunderstandings. In healthy relationships, partners are open and listen to each other.  Does your partner ...

• o refuse to talk about your relationship?
• o keep you from saying what's on your mind?
• o yell at you?
• o refuse to talk about feelings and worries?
• o refuse to find time for you?
• o give you the silent treatment?

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be wondering if you and your partner are communicating well.

It Goes Both Ways
Often, when people are wondering about their relationships, they start to examine their partner's behavior. But it is also important to look at your own behavior.
Do you ...

• o respect your partner?
• o trust your partner?
• o treat your partner as an equal?
• o treat your partner fairly?
• o communicate honestly?
• o listen to your partner?

Remember, it takes two people to make a relationship work. Thinking about and changing your own behavior is as important as talking with your partner about the changes you want made in the relationship.

What Are Some Ways to Develop Healthy Relationships?
There are many things people can do to build healthy relationships. Remember that, in any relationship, both people must be willing to put in the effort. One person cannot build a healthy relationship alone. Each of us needs the support and commitment of the other person in our relationship.  Here are some suggestions:

• Love yourself. It is important that you are comfortable with yourself. Know your own strengths and be proud of them. If you are happy with yourself, you will be a happier partner.
• Share your feelings. If you are upset or concerned, talk about it. Working through difficult situations builds trust and helps make relationships even stronger.
• Don't assume you know what someone else is thinking or feeling. If you want to know what is on your partner's mind — ask. Make sure you are ready to hear the answer.
• Spend time on your own. Sometimes people think a healthy relationship means spending all your time together. It is actually healthier for people to spend time with different people than with just one person. That way they can develop their own interests and talents and grow as individuals.
• Communicate openly and honestly about sex. This is the only way your partner will really know what is comfortable for you and what gives you pleasure.
• Take care of your sexual health. In a healthy relationship, both partners want to protect their sexual health. Getting checkups for STDs  and practicing safer sex are important. Make an appointment at your local Planned Parenthood health center to get birth control, tests and treatment for sexually transmitted infections, and information about your sexual health.

What Can I Do to Try to Improve My Relationship?
If you feel that your relationship is unhealthy, or has some unhealthy parts, you can talk with your partner about your concerns. It is important that you feel safe having this conversation.  When you talk, be clear about what your concerns are. Good communication is an important part of problem solving in relationships. When we are honest about our feelings and concerns, it gives others a chance to work with us to make the relationship better.

Ending a Relationship
People choose to end relationships for many reasons.

• • Your relationship may make you uncomfortable or unhappy.
• • You may not feel ready to be in a relationship.

You may have to end a good relationship because circumstances make the relationship too difficult — for example, if one person has to move far away from the other. Here are some tips for ending a relationship. What if I Am Not in a Healthy Relationship?

In healthy relationships, there are sometimes unhealthy behaviors that can be improved. And partners can talk about them and work on them. But sometimes relationships are unhealthy and cannot be fixed. And sometimes relationships are abusive.  If you are wondering what to do about your relationship, you can

• • Talk with your family.
• • Talk with someone in a relationship you admire.
• • Talk with trusted friends or others in a "peer" group.
• • Try couples counseling.

Staff at your local Planned Parenthood health center, your local school, or religious or community center can help you find the support you need in dealing with your relationship.